6 tips to help you manage anger

Here are some anger management tips to help you understand the message behind the emotion and express it in a healthy way without losing control.

1. Explore what's really behind your anger

Is your anger masking other feelings such as embarrassment, insecurity, hurt, shame, or vulnerability? 

If your response in many situations is anger, it’s likely that your temper is covering up your true feelings. This is especially likely if you grew up in a family where expressing feelings was strongly discouraged. As an adult, you may have a hard time acknowledging feelings other than anger.

2. Be aware of your anger warning signs

While you might feel that you just explode into anger without warning, there are in fact physical warning signs in your body. Becoming aware of your own personal signs that your temper is starting to boil allows you to take steps to manage your anger before it gets out of control.

• Knots in your stomach
• Clenching your hands or jaw
• Feeling clammy or flushed
• Breathing faster
• Headaches
• Pacing or needing to walk around
• “Seeing red”
• Having trouble concentrating
• Pounding heart
• Tensing your shoulders

3. Learn ways to cool down quickly

Once you know how to recognise the warning signs that your temper is rising, you can act quickly to deal with your anger before it spins out of control. There are many techniques that can help you cool down and keep your anger in check.

• Focus on the physical sensations of anger
• Take some deep breaths
• Get moving
• Stretch or massage areas of tension
• Slowly count to ten

4. Give yourself a reality check

When you start getting upset about something, take a moment to think about the situation. Ask yourself:

• How important is it in the grand scheme of things?
• Is it really worth getting angry about it?
• Is it worth ruining the rest of my day?
• Is my response appropriate to the situation?
• Is there anything I can do about it?
• Is taking action worth my time?

5. Find healthier ways to express your anger

If you’ve decided that the situation is worth getting angry about and there’s something you can do to make it better, the key is to express your feelings in a healthy way. Learning how to resolve conflict in a positive way will help you strengthen your relationships rather than damaging them.

• Make the relationship your priority instead of “winning” the argument.
• Focus on the present and don't throw past grievances into the mix.
• Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling to do that, because resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish.
• Take five if things get too heated so you can cool down.
• Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree.

6. Use humor to relieve tension

When things get tense, humour can help you lighten the mood, smooth over differences, reframe problems, and keep things in perspective. When you feel yourself getting angry in a situation, try using a little lighthearted humour. However, it’s important that you laugh with the other person, not at them. Avoid sarcasm, mean-spirited humor.

When humor and play are used to reduce tension and anger, a potential conflict can even become an opportunity for greater connection and intimacy.